So Long, Farewell

Promise you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.

-A.A. Milne

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard!

-A.A. Milne

Goodbyes make you think. They make you realize what you've had, what you've lost, and what you've taken for granted.

- Ritu Ghatourey

It feels right. But it's emotional. Saying goodbye to anything you've done that long is hard.

-Angela Ruggeiro

You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.

-Cassandra Clare

Some tears are iron forged.

-Jay Kristoff

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

-Dr. Seuss

Adieu! I have too grieved a heart to take a tedious leave.

-William Shakespeare

I said goodbye-for-now to my charges yesterday - and then wished I'd brought a water bottle for the drive home. Phew! It was tough, and will continue to be.

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My friend, Jesse Louden, painted this expression of me. It is.

The Dog Days of Summer

I am tentative to write about my nannying experience - I am still so in the midst of it, and the stories I could tell seem best suited to in-person conversations, rather than on-paper tales. There are all the times I have to discipline, for example, and the more frequent times when I am made to laugh at some comment or deed done by cute and budding humanity, which do not transfer well to hard and toneless paper. The stories told me from the bathtub are not best related via video, and all the delight of a 20-minute drive to the beach cannot be captured in a photo, however, so I find I must resort to the keyboard for at least a portion of the reporting process.

I sit beside the bathtub, having quickly done a bathroom-cleaning, and ready to listen to whatever story is being energetically pretended in the water. Is it the Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Teradactyls, or the cars falling repeatedly off the cliff with matching brum-peeeeooooo noises? Too, the most interesting life observations and stories from the past come during bathtime. And when I say, "Now it's time to wash your hair and come out," the protest, "But I wanted a BIG bath!" makes me laugh.

This frightening creature is the "Terror-of-all", and was a multi-day teamwork project, requiring an Overseer, several Lookers for pieces, and a couple of Builders, all with grand ideas of how the finished product should look. It was a marvelous way to keep idle hands busy while I'm not there to supervise. It was proudly shown off to me the next morning, and all the subsequent mornings when some change to bodily function had been devised and effected.

The moment when written English clicks in a kid's brain is marvelous to witness - and since one is still young enough to be humble I am teaching him reading-aloud skills with the now-unnecessary lesson time.

The scores, the steals, the wins, the finds, the deals, the bargains, the growing collections - they also must be shown off and told about - "Guess what I found at the thrift store this weekend?" "You'll never guess what I bought," "Guess what?", and "COME HERE!" are all common greetings on a Monday morning.

The typewriter was a fun saga. I was so excited to use it that the kids actually dictated the first few pages of a novel (about Archer-man!) the first day. Then it developed a technical issue and got shuffled aside. The issue was resolved but I haven't seen it since.

Piggies by Don + Audrey Wood is a great book. The kids noticed details about the illustrations that I never would have seen in a lifetime of trips through it. Also, does anyone have a tip on the best way to have a kid on one's lap while reading storybooks? Their head always seems to get in the way, which is fine while you're just looking at the pictures, but can get nose-bumpy if you try to read the words.

I suppose it's my fault they write letters. It started as a school project, but Aunties somehow always write back with more questions, so I'll still see a reply lying on the counter occasionally, or an envelope ready to receive contents, and sometimes take dictation for one or two of the younger ones when I have the energy (or don't have the energy for anything else).

The kitchen sink window is one of the most important spaces in a house. You spend a lot of time looking out of it, especially if you do not have a dishwasher. I had a few precious, tiny plants on its sill in the winter, but they froze one time, to be replaced now by one vase, ready for whatever small treasure one or other of the kids might find in the yard and bring in to me. In spring it was a marvelous place to watch the kids fixing and riding their bikes on the lawn outside, and now their tricks on the trampoline, long, lazy swings on the tire, or fire-tending vigils.

The garden is growing well. It was a bit of an adjustment for me to garden in the extremely sandy soil, after our gummy clay, but I am really enjoying it now, with a plot for vegetables and a raised bed for perennials. Planting perennials means a lot - it means you hope to be around to care for them year after year, and it means you trust in the Lord and His ability to grow things without help. I am always amazed when I leave a garden and know it will have grown by the time I come back, no labour involved. We are all looking forward with growing excitement to picking and eating the peas - they're flowering already. The tomatoes, peppers and carrots will ripen after I'm gone to camp or Bible School. You're welcome to come and pick them in my absence!

It is such a blessing to live within afternoon-outing distance of a beach. I have already lost count of the number of times we've gone this summer. If it is a hot day and the kids get the house clean before lunch (I always leave the decision to them: Work - Reward, or Don't - None), we throw some towels and a diaper in the van and head for the water. Also, I have a beef with "the people in charge" of the weather, as it is always shivery cold when we arrive at the beach, no matter how hot the morning was. "Can you come out into the deep end with us again?" is mostly a welcome question.

To her little brother: "Mom taught me to pump, when she was still alive, so now I can teach you to pump."

My days are filled with these little things.

Candid Observations

In which I extract some passages from my various notebooks of the last few months and lay them at your feet.

January 13, 2021

There is something in me that still shudders at the thought of dying a martyr’s death - or any unnatural or premature one - and though I know the Lord will give me the strength to do as He calls, and only then, I think it is the same way we all feel about it - unnerved and repulsed somehow. Do not forget, Lord, how You felt when You faced death - and You had already experienced what lay beyond! How much more might we sweat, who have only vaguely and inaccurately imagined where we are going. And yet, Lord, give me the strength to face with Your joy all that You have in store for me.

I imagine heaven as not being much different from a joy-filled experience of earth. I would not have to be bumped 10 levels of happiness - in fact I think that would be uncomfortable. Our sweet daily life, minus the friction with each other and the pain of sin and the curse, plus the Lord’s presence, and what bliss we have just there! Put a bunch of believers in a colonial setting and I’m happy - and that’s here on this earth. Now, I know heaven isn’t primarily about making us happy, but I don’t feel as though I need to reach a new threshold of ecstasy - clearheaded contentment is eternal bliss.

January 21, 2021

Judges 7:13 - Lord, let me be a loaf of barley bread in Your hand - a common and ordinary thing, not apparently remarkable except for the fact that it gives essential life and vigor to all that interact with it. Then it is the instrument used by the Lord to put the first inkling of His victory into the minds of two. That inkling caused the defeat of the whole Midianite Army.

A loaf of barley bread, Lord.

March 13, 2021

1 Samuel 31:11, 2 Samuel 2:5 - The Jabeshites must have quailed at some point, thinking it was a duty but a thankless one, yet they persevered and forsook home and family, expending their scant resources in the difficult accomplishment of a man’s and a soldier’s duty. They rose to the occasion without hesitation and then followed all the way through, their conviction of the rightness of the task sustaining them when fatigue overwhelmed their initial anger and passion. Valiant men!

March 18, 2021

2 Samuel 11:27 - 12:1 - A supreme example of God chastening those who love Him best, like a violin teacher being hardest on the students with the most potential. He does not let His faithful servant get away with or continue in sin that goes seemingly unnoticed in the unbeliever or casual Christian.

March 25, 2021

2 Samuel 17:23 - Ahithophel had a coddled temper - used always to getting his way - so when he was crossed (maybe for the first time in his life) he couldn't handle it, and threw a fit, like a tennis player.

I have expounded before what my feelings are about the Absolam story, so I need not reiterate - what I will say is how much I love the every-day detail in 2 Samuel 18. Walls, gates, chambers, recognizing someone by their running, hair, mules, etc.

2 Samuel 19:5-7 - I can’t decide if Joab is a good man with serious flaws, or a corrupt man loyal to the “right” side. My reactive tendency is to say that he caused David more harm than good, yet he must have been a brilliant military commander, for he led David’s army overall very well. Certainly he had a bold temper, was not patient, forgiving, or understanding, and defended himself to the last, but he could also act with a great deal of shrewd insight, typical of a smart, knowing, and caring close friend.

April 1, 2021

2 Samuel 22:15 - Imagine your terror on the Lord starting to help out in a battle using lightning bolts. To see that amount of power used with such intention by One so holy! But then say with David, “He delivered me,” - how elated would you be then! David certainly seems pretty sure of his own merit.

April 6, 2021

Present Concerns by C.S. Lewis arrived in the mail, and I just pondered through “The Necessity of Chivalry”. His definition of chivalry is an intriguing and inspiring one: the image of Sir Lancelot, meek and gentle in company, fierce and dangerous among foes. My passion for chivalry has been quashed somewhat by today’s feminist society, and the unlikelihood of finding it in any routine situation. By habit I forget to do all in my power to encourage it, but every time someone, usually an older man I don’t know, holds the door or shows chivalrous deference in some way, the spark reignites in my breast and I resolve once again to retain hope in the glorious ideal.

Lewis’ point about both sides of the chivalrous character being necessary (and this goes for boys and girls alike) makes me think that to raise chivalrous children one must allow them to face hardship and adversity, and teach them to rise to it with as much grace and gallantry as they carry bags and open doors.

Strong in Spirit tossed me the vision to treat the 5 - 12 years like a bootcamp, and curate greater and greater challenges for them to overcome. As they grow in confidence their physical and emotional prowess translates into wisdom and responsibility through wide and repeated experience of the world.