Candid Observations

In which I extract some passages from my various notebooks of the last few months and lay them at your feet.

January 13, 2021

There is something in me that still shudders at the thought of dying a martyr’s death - or any unnatural or premature one - and though I know the Lord will give me the strength to do as He calls, and only then, I think it is the same way we all feel about it - unnerved and repulsed somehow. Do not forget, Lord, how You felt when You faced death - and You had already experienced what lay beyond! How much more might we sweat, who have only vaguely and inaccurately imagined where we are going. And yet, Lord, give me the strength to face with Your joy all that You have in store for me.

I imagine heaven as not being much different from a joy-filled experience of earth. I would not have to be bumped 10 levels of happiness - in fact I think that would be uncomfortable. Our sweet daily life, minus the friction with each other and the pain of sin and the curse, plus the Lord’s presence, and what bliss we have just there! Put a bunch of believers in a colonial setting and I’m happy - and that’s here on this earth. Now, I know heaven isn’t primarily about making us happy, but I don’t feel as though I need to reach a new threshold of ecstasy - clearheaded contentment is eternal bliss.

January 21, 2021

Judges 7:13 - Lord, let me be a loaf of barley bread in Your hand - a common and ordinary thing, not apparently remarkable except for the fact that it gives essential life and vigor to all that interact with it. Then it is the instrument used by the Lord to put the first inkling of His victory into the minds of two. That inkling caused the defeat of the whole Midianite Army.

A loaf of barley bread, Lord.

March 13, 2021

1 Samuel 31:11, 2 Samuel 2:5 - The Jabeshites must have quailed at some point, thinking it was a duty but a thankless one, yet they persevered and forsook home and family, expending their scant resources in the difficult accomplishment of a man’s and a soldier’s duty. They rose to the occasion without hesitation and then followed all the way through, their conviction of the rightness of the task sustaining them when fatigue overwhelmed their initial anger and passion. Valiant men!

March 18, 2021

2 Samuel 11:27 - 12:1 - A supreme example of God chastening those who love Him best, like a violin teacher being hardest on the students with the most potential. He does not let His faithful servant get away with or continue in sin that goes seemingly unnoticed in the unbeliever or casual Christian.

March 25, 2021

2 Samuel 17:23 - Ahithophel had a coddled temper - used always to getting his way - so when he was crossed (maybe for the first time in his life) he couldn't handle it, and threw a fit, like a tennis player.

I have expounded before what my feelings are about the Absolam story, so I need not reiterate - what I will say is how much I love the every-day detail in 2 Samuel 18. Walls, gates, chambers, recognizing someone by their running, hair, mules, etc.

2 Samuel 19:5-7 - I can’t decide if Joab is a good man with serious flaws, or a corrupt man loyal to the “right” side. My reactive tendency is to say that he caused David more harm than good, yet he must have been a brilliant military commander, for he led David’s army overall very well. Certainly he had a bold temper, was not patient, forgiving, or understanding, and defended himself to the last, but he could also act with a great deal of shrewd insight, typical of a smart, knowing, and caring close friend.

April 1, 2021

2 Samuel 22:15 - Imagine your terror on the Lord starting to help out in a battle using lightning bolts. To see that amount of power used with such intention by One so holy! But then say with David, “He delivered me,” - how elated would you be then! David certainly seems pretty sure of his own merit.

April 6, 2021

Present Concerns by C.S. Lewis arrived in the mail, and I just pondered through “The Necessity of Chivalry”. His definition of chivalry is an intriguing and inspiring one: the image of Sir Lancelot, meek and gentle in company, fierce and dangerous among foes. My passion for chivalry has been quashed somewhat by today’s feminist society, and the unlikelihood of finding it in any routine situation. By habit I forget to do all in my power to encourage it, but every time someone, usually an older man I don’t know, holds the door or shows chivalrous deference in some way, the spark reignites in my breast and I resolve once again to retain hope in the glorious ideal.

Lewis’ point about both sides of the chivalrous character being necessary (and this goes for boys and girls alike) makes me think that to raise chivalrous children one must allow them to face hardship and adversity, and teach them to rise to it with as much grace and gallantry as they carry bags and open doors.

Strong in Spirit tossed me the vision to treat the 5 - 12 years like a bootcamp, and curate greater and greater challenges for them to overcome. As they grow in confidence their physical and emotional prowess translates into wisdom and responsibility through wide and repeated experience of the world.

Day by Day

Day by day

and with each passing

moment

strength I find

to meet my trials here

trusting

in my Father's

wise bestowment

I've no cause for worry

or for fear

He whose heart

is kind beyond all measure

gives unto each day

what He deems best

lovingly

its part of pain and pleasure

mingling toil

with peace

and rest.

We didn't go anywhere; we didna do nuffin'

Jan. 9th, 2021 driving

When I opened my bleary eyes at 6:45 this morning I saw Phoebe kneeling over a backpack, tucking in the last few items by lamplight, and I felt a reluctant twinge of excitement. It takes me a while to get out of mother mode, but no one can be detached or melancholy while food is going into coolers and snowboard boots are being fitted into the puzzle that is the back of the van.

We headed out shortly after 9:00 with 12 people, 2 vehicles, 8 snowboards, and all the equipment, clothes, games, and food that one could possibly need for an eight-day pleasure trip.

Jan. 10th, 2021 driving We are sweeping down among the foothills and seeing superbly set mountain ranges, reposing tremulously in their gauze of clouds and purple distance. It seems fitting that I am simultaneously absorbed in Jim & Betty's yearnings and restings for and in the Lord's will (I am currently reading Devotedly).

When I signed up for this journey I did not foresee all the valleys and mountaintops that would be involved before any sort of buckling down (or up!) could occur. I am barreling at top speed toward what to the eye looks like an insurmountable obstacle, and beyond which I have an idea some pleasure is waiting. I trust I shall get through okay, with some ups and downs, but right now it is impossible even to tell how far down the road the barriers are. Yet at every turn one can see the different sides to the reasons our hope and clear direction is delayed, and has to marvel at the ethereal beauty and grandeur of the Glory of the Lord, displayed uninhibited over the craggy ridges of cold stronghold - not haunts of the enemy, for He owns all types of landscape, but a place in which we cannot see beyond the next few moments of our path. In a place like where we are headed God has more opportunities to reveal to us His strength and loveliness than where all is flat and predictable. There is something so epic about the part of the journey I am in, where all the routes for all the travelers have to be threaded through the same narrow openings in the rock, and one is hedged in on all sides by towering impossibility, while following patiently the carefully traced path of possibility laid out for us by those who have come this way before - and the signs by the road reassure us that our destination is yet ahead; and so we press on. That was fun! The hills are alive with metaphor.

Jan. 11th, 2021 writing in bed In my soul there is an overflow of grand stillness. That sense of being all alone halfway down the side of a mountain, with the great, solid shoulders of the mountains all around looking on in silence while you stop and let the absence of all sound fill you with peace - that lasts in your soul a long time.

Jan. 15th, 2021 writing in bed Yesterday and today were very fun and successful days on the hill. I spent more than a few runs in company with the people that belong to me - invigorating after so many hours of solitude. The best thing that we did was take our lunches to the summit and eat them up there, sitting cozily together in a snowbank, overlooking the "panoramic" peaks and talking in maskless comfort.

Jan. 17th, 2021 driving Ah! Skiing! Most of all I liked the Mountain - Panorama Mountain - and the little cluster of restaurants, stores, and villas at its base. I liked the big lodge with music playing softly and tables where one could stow one's gear and food. I liked the big open area of snow at the bottom - where three major runs, two bunny hills, a moving carpet, two chair lifts, and the main entrance to the lodge all converged. There were rows and rows of skis and poles and snowboards lined up on racks, and when, in the middle of the afternoon, the racks stood mostly empty, you knew that most everyone was somewhere high on the hill and you were one of the only ones at the bottom of the Mile 1 chair lift. In order to get to the top of the hill one had to take Mile 1, then tack carefully down to Champagne Express, which was delightfully fast and high, and then take the upper part of the Canadian Way to the Summit Chair, where the Lifty was always eager to help, not having much else to do. The chair climbed steeply to the summit, and there was a small flat area and a little lodge up there. On all sides, at the tops of the Black Diamond runs, boarders sat to fasten their bindings, and there was a row of skis leaning against the outside of the lodge - for the Liftys to get down at the end of the day. I mostly took the same run down - Get Me Down, Canadian Way (which took me past the Summit Chair again), Sunbowl Trail, and Village Way. This took me winding through the forest on switchbacks, crossing the steeper runs at right angles and always at a gentle slope. I would rarely see another person the whole way down, and when I got close to the bottom I would come suddenly upon the Toby Chair, its empty seats swinging through the trees overhead. Then I would go down the lower slope of Eagle Glide, cross a bridge over a roadway, and come to the bottom of the Toby Chair, where the Lifty, sitting, lonely, on a rail, would look up, surprised to see a skier, and hurry to hold the seat for me. It was a nice little lift, two-person and unassuming. At the top the Lifty had music playing, and she always said "hi!" cheerfully. From there it was a short run to Mile 1 again, busy and loud and bustling with people. But I was so afraid that I would not have time to get to the Summit Chair before it closed that I did not stop to eat something or find someone I knew but rode right back up again.

More pictures on Avril's Blog.