Grief

Today is my cousin Isabelle's first wedding anniversary.

It was a beautiful September day.

She was stunning. My new cousin-in-law was spiffing.

Everyone was so happy for them.

The smiles were genuine.

But look at this. Do you see them? My dear cousins, Sophie and Acacia.

They weren't there.

I haven't written about grief here. But two days after the wedding, when I was in my little dorm room at Bible School in Colorado, I wrote Isabelle a letter. Here is a portion of it.

My whole life before 08/08/21 sits in a bucket on the back stoop. I know it's there, and every so often I go and sit beside it, and take things out, toying with them idly, but it has nothing to do with how I live now, and if the whole bucket were to get dumped I would feel weird for but a moment before I washed it out and began filling it with new nuggets as the Lord tossed them to me.

If there is one thing I've learned so far here, it's that there is yet more coming. That bucket? Empty compared to how full it will be by the end of the week. Nothing compared to all the gold the Lord is going to entrust me with over a lifetime, however long that turns out to be.

I will not pretend that Sophie + Kaysha finished their race or accomplished their purpose. I don't feel that way at all. I don't think they arrived anywhere more deep or true or real than any 17- and 15-year-old. I believe they were headed places they never reached. BUT, I also know that the Lord did use the moments He gave them. He did make good on their servanthood. They were able to accomplish something for the Kingdom, which is ALL ANYONE EVER DOES. No one 'arrives', 'finishes', or 'makes it'. No one runs out of future potential just because they've lived a relatively long time. All we can do is wake up in the morning and say,

"Well, it seems I'm alive for today, use me as You see fit." And our buckets of gold and how full they are of what is not our business, it's God's. S + A did as much for the Lord in their lifespans as any of us will ever do. The Lord does not mourn Jim Elliot's and Keith Green's not being alive on earth, nor did He for a second. He uses us as He sees fit, not as we see fit. As Rachelle's cousin said to Mercer at Field Day,

"We don't get to choose the method of our sacrifice; of our pouring out." When we pledge our bodies living sacrifices, we don't get a menu to pick in what way we'd like to suffer. You were chosen to be purified by grief. S + A were chosen to be purified by death.

Cousin Love

Happy Anniversary Isabelle.